Saturday, 22 December 2007

What Was I Thinking?

The other day I logged into Rose's forum and, as happens, was confronted by the front page with my avatar on it. And I looked at the girl in the picture and all I could see was me in make-up and a wig. And I thought 'What the hell am I doing, looking like that?' And it's not the first time it's happened.

It's a strange feeling. Most of the time I can see pictures of myself dressed, and I'm happy. And why not? I'm actually pleased with how I present as a woman. I think I look OK. Don't get me wrong; I also look at pictures of myself in bloke mode and think the same. Apart from the bit about being pleased with how I present as a woman, obviously. Both Rachel and Bloke (I really need a name for Bloke. I'm going to call myself 'Mr X' I think. OK?) are happy by what they see. But every so often I see a picture of myself as Rachel, and she's not there to be pleased by it. It's just Mr X looking at a picture and thinking 'What the hell ... etc"

I see this as a good thing. It means that Rachel's happy to drift away from time to time, leaving me to get on with things instead of wondering about such things as how I can justify buying that gorgeous sequined dress that Next are selling at the moment. Despite her being properly unleashed on an unsuspecting world over the last six months or so, it means that she's not in charge.

The time to worry is when I look at one of the many (oh, so many) pictures of Mr X that are on the 'net and Rachel thinks "What the hell am I doing, looking like that?"

1 comment:

Penny M said...

It is very odd, I spend most of my time accepting of Penny, but every so often I do think "what the hell am I doing?" It strikes me as a silly, self-obsessed compulsion that I shouldn't pander to. Then everything flips back and its the most normal thing in the world. God knows how non-trannies REALLY view us...